If I Ever Get a Pet Elephant I Will Name Him Frank Jr. so Everyone Will Think I've had One Before.

Lies.

My name is Brooke, and I am a pathological liar.

Why do we lie? Social acceptance? Personal gain? Some other psychotic need?

Think back, I know it's not just me. How many times did you lie this week? I am not talking about huge, intricate lies, just the small, social lies that we throw around like they're nothing.

I do believe that there is a time and place for certain lies. If your significant other asks you if they look fat, you darn well better tell them no, even if their clothes are screaming and stretching in pain. I think I have taken this too far though. When are you hindering a person by telling them they look good? Is it fair to that person, or the rest of society, if I let them embarrass themselves in public by wearing that horrendous outfit I just told them "looks great"? Just something to think about.

My biggest social lies occur when I first meet someone, and especially if I have an interest in them. A conversation will often occur in the following way:

Person of Interest: I love baseball.

Me: Me too!

What the... No, I don't. In fact, I hate baseball. It is painful for me to watch and the only reason I stayed at the only game I have ever attended was because I convinced my little brother to dance on top of the dugout. (A story for another time that ended with a crying 10 year old and a sharp gasp from the entire stadium.)

These lies go in the other direction as well. If there is someone I don't like, I will almost always disagree with whatever they say regardless of my true feelings. A conversation with such a person might go like this:

Disliked Person: I love the color red.

Me: I don't. Red is probably my least favorite color.

Disliked Person: You have a red shirt on right now.

Me: I hate this shirt. I don't even know why I wore it.

In reality, this is my favorite shirt and my room is decorated in red and black.

I don't sit back and think about these lies....that's another lie, sometimes I do. For the most part though, they are an automatic reaction to what people say. If I like them, I want them to accept me, so I agree with whatever they say. If I dislike them, I want to make sure I have nothing in common with them, so I reject everything they say.

These lies are so automatic that they can become hard to keep track of. If that same person came and asked me about baseball later, I would probably have no idea what they were talking about.

Let's quit lying to ourselves and recognize the honest truth:

None of us have a good enough memory to be a great liar. (Although I am a good one.)

The Devolution of Woman

Regression

We work hard for women's rights. We fight against the glass ceiling daily. We do everything we can to prove we are as capable as a man... and then...

Cute boy = IQ drop

How many times have you seen a girl you previously thought was intelligent, or at least had some sense, drop into a disturbing, purposefully stupid persona in front of a boy? I shouldn't even give them as much credit as saying in front of a cute boy; it's really in front of any boy.

Everyone has a want or need to be liked, but not everyone turns into a fool at the mere sight of the opposite sex. It is an interesting experience to get in a group of mixed company, and then sit back and watch as certain members of the group apparently devolve to the point that they are nearly animalistic. They become ruled by their basic (primal) needs and instincts.

Although it happens to a certain degree with both males and females, I have to point the main finger of blame at the girls. Their excessive giggling could be compared to a mating call, "I'm easy! I'm easy!" What happened to pride?

They travel and hunt in packs, and when they finally get a kill, they fight over who it belongs to. They pretend to like each other and form superficial relationships, only to be quickly discarded when the hunt reaches its climax.

Do not live in fear of this species of women, there are ways to recognize them. For fear of being controversial, I will not put down too many details, but here are a few keys in seeking them out using all of your senses:

• Listen for the excessive giggling.

• Look for packs of similar looking females.

• Sniff around for a near potent amount of perfume.

• Touch.... no... don't get that close, they are far too dangerous.

• Taste.... if you are close enough for this one, then all is lost.
• 
  

What is wrong with showing signs of intelligent life? If a guy doesn't want to hear what you have to say, I suggest you move on. Have some pride.

Survival of the fittest? Please. Darwinism is a hoax.

180 Degree Turn....Well, Maybe 120....I Wasn't That Bad Off....

Perspective.

I cannot write unless I am passionate. I am not passionate unless I am mad. Thus, my blog has only been updated with posts when I have become especially upset about a situation. I have sat down in fury many times in the last 2 weeks and considered titles for my next blog, including:

• Hey, While I'm Down Here, Would You Mind Coming Over and Kicking me?

• Beware the Ides of March.

• Tell me to to Turn That Smile Upside Down Again... I Dare You.

There were many others not worthy of mention. As I sat here contemplating and growing more and more angry with each word I wrote, I realized that I was only feeding my fury.

A wise friend once told me that whatever I feed into the universe, the universe will give back to me. If I am angry, it will give me more and more reasons and opportunities to be angry. Whatever energy I throw out there, I get back, and I have come to realize how true that is.

I have lived by the saying, "Everything comes in threes", to a degree that probably isn't healthy. When something bad happens, I am just waiting for the next two things to smack me in the face. I become so stressed about the next two things happening, that I almost want to go smack myself with a hammer and then stick a fork in a socket and say "2....3....I'm good!"

What would happen if I turned that energy the other way and changed my perspective? So what if one bad thing happened? I am going to get experience and opportunities from every situation in life and I can make them into whatever I want them to be. If I choose to be happy, the world will compensate and give me opportunities to do so.

No longer will I stalk down the hall burning holes with my eyes (which I apparently do, though I wasn't really aware of it.) No longer will I sit and wait for bad things 1 and 2 to hit. No longer will I allow other people to control my emotions.

Watch out world. It's a whole new Brooke, and she's....happy?

Green Beans or Barbecue Chicken?

Green beans.

Oh how I loathe them. I realize not everyone shares my utter disgust for the evil bean, so you will have to try and find your food equivalent.

Barbecue chicken.

Oh how I love it. Again, think of your food equivalent and insert in the place of barbecue chicken for the remainder of this blog.

Let me ask you something now. If you had the option of eating green beans right now, or barbecue chicken later, which would you choose? If you are a rational human being, you are voting for the barbecue chicken.

What could possibly motivate you to eat the green beans? Look at them. Come on now, you know they are not going to make you happy. If you eat those green beans right now, you are going to be full by the time the barbecue chicken comes around. You are going to sit there with the awful aftertaste of green bean in your mouth while everyone else enjoys the chicken.

Was it worth it? Were those few moments of satiating your hunger with a lesser form of food worth missing out on the real meal?

Why are you wasting your time eating something you really don't like? You know there is something better out there, is it really that hard to wait for it? Do you really need the comfort of that food so badly right now that you are willing to miss out on the real stuff?

To each their own. As for me? Bring on the barbecue chicken!

Metaphor- A figure of speech in which a word or phrase that ordinarily designates one thing is used to designate another, thus making an implicit comparison

God's Gift to Women? Where do I Take Returns?

Men.

The Theory of Men: Men are God's gift to women and any woman blessed enough to be in their presence should want them.

Where do they get their courage? Their confidence? Their total lack of common sense?

First of all, kudos to any guy brave enough to approach a girl, and especially to ask one out. Do not let my comments dissuade you from doing so in the future, but please take heed to my remarks.

First. You have the right to ask a girl out, and she has the right to say no. You got to look around and choose who you wanted to approach. Just because you approached this girl, does not mean she wanted to be approached by you. Guess what? She just might not be that into you. Accept it. Embrace it. It will make life so much easier for the both of you.

Second. When you ask a girl out and she tells you she is busy, there are ways to tell whether or not she was just letting you down easy. If she says something like, "I can't, but we should do it another time" or "Rain check?" there may be hope for you yet. However, if she replies with something like, "No" or "I am busy with ....." she is not interested. If she is interested, she will make sure you know she really wanted to go. If she is letting you down easy, and I can not emphasize this enough, DO NOT PUSH IT! A sure fire way to get a girl angry and annoyed with you is to keep asking her out when she is obviously not interested. Let it go.

Third. That tight shirt does not look as good as you think it does. When you strut, we can tell, and we are laughing at you. Everything you say is not witty and hilarious. No, I am not staring at you because I think you are hot, you just have something on your face.

Fourth. Text messaging is evil. Do not ask girls out over text, we do not like it. Anything you say in text, can (and probably will) be held against you. Just because you say, "just kidding" or "I was being sarcastic" does not mean you are forgiven. If you say something insulting, you said something insulting, no matter what the intent behind it was.

Remember, I did not write all of this to scare men and make them quit asking women out. I just want all you guys out there to realize that you are one of a million, not one in a million... Get over yourself.