People Say I'm Paranoid... At Least I'm Pretty Sure They Do.

Paranoia.

The movie, "The Truman Show" is where it all began. I don't want to give away too much if you haven't seen it, (I highly recommend seeing it), but the idea is that Truman, without realizing it, is the star of a major television show. He has grown up inside an enormous bubble and everyone in his life is an actor. After seeing this show, I was completely convinced that I was the star of my own series, "The Brooke Show".

When I first discovered my life was a hit TV show I became excited about the possibilities. Now that I knew what was going on, and the show's producers didn't know that I knew, I could have a little fun with them. I lived my day to day life normally (as normally as possible when you are aware you are being followed by cameras) but when I was alone, I would mess with them. I figured they kept cameras inside the mirror in my room so I would casually walk by and then suddenly turn around and point or wink slyly at. I would then turn back around and continue casually on my way. I believe this kept them sufficiently off balance.

The knowledge that I was on a TV show was actually good for me in a lot of ways. I stopped biting my nails because I didn't want America to know that I had such a bad habit. I quit fighting so much with my siblings because I wanted America to know how mature I was. I played harder in sports and worked harder at school... the list goes on and on.

I have yet to decide whether it was a blessing or a curse as far as family life goes. On the one hand, when bad things happened, I chalked it up to the writers of the show trying to throw in a twist around season finale time or something. When we were disowned, my first thought was, "Touché writers, touché." At the same time, I felt responsible for everything that went wrong because it was obviously all happening because of me. "If I hadn't made such a rude gesture to the camera in the mirror, maybe they wouldn't have written this in..."

As time went on, I began to lose this idea that I was on a TV show. It was a little disheartening to realize one day that the world did not actually revolve around me (although, because I was a teenager, I still acted like it did). I am going to give myself a little credit here and say it wasn't so much paranoia as it was an overactive imagination.

Now I have a confession...

I never grew completely out of this. That's right, I'm 21-years old now and I still wink at the mirror or give it all-knowing smiles at random times. Sometimes when I sing alone in my car, I get embarrassed so I quickly glance into the rear view mirror and wink at it; so if anyone happens to be watching, they know I was only singing for their benefit (I'm totally not, I just love singing in the car).

Perhaps I will never grow completely out of this, but I don't really see it as a bad thing. This imagined audience to my life story helps keep me in check and motivates me to be better when no one is really looking.

I don't really know how to end this post... Oh well, I guess I don't really need to, I'm sure you'll be watching.

End transmission.

Lies May Not Become You.... But They Certainly Became Me

Lies.

Again.

After writing my previous blog on lies, I mentally traced my lies back to their roots and was shocked at what I found. I discovered that my lies are somewhat unique because I only use them for two, extremely contradictory, things: social avoidance and social acceptance.

The social avoidance came first. When I was in elementary school I learned that if I was "sick", I would get to go home. As soon as I discovered this, I was "sick" several times a month. My parents were, and still are, extremely savvy, and they caught on to this game quickly. (Though I believe my mom let me stay home sometimes even when she knew I wasn't sick....thanks mom!) I soon had to resort to different methods to get myself home. I was in the nurse's office almost every day with a different ailment. My personal favorite was bee stings. For the record, I have never been stung by a bee in my life, so it was extremely difficult to fake-- and the Oscar goes to...

This must have been hard and confusing for my parents because I actually was a bit of a sickly child. I could catch the stomach flu like no other and strep throat and I were extremely tight. Ear infections came easily and I ran a fever more often than not. How could they know whether or not I was really sick? I had had all of these ailments, so unlike the bee sting, I was able to fake them quite convincingly.

I am going to go ahead and be honest here and tell you that I faked sick all the way through high school. My senior year my mom no longer cared about my absences as long as I got the grade, which is how I ended up with over 120 absences and a 4.0. If you're worried about how I managed to function entering college, don't be. Once I realized that I had no one to fake sick too, the game was over. My attendance record has improved dramatically.

Moving on to social acceptance. I don't understand why I thought some of the things I did would get me accepted, but I did believe it whole-heartedly at the time. I tried to get more acceptance within my family by pretending to sleep walk. Why did I think this would get me accepted? I'm not sure. It's not like I was even unaccepted in my family, I guess I just wanted to have this cool, weird thing about me that people would talk about.

My desire to be known as a sleep walker led me to some awkward and stupid situations. I would get up in the middle of the night and go to the stairs and try and fall asleep. I figured that if I could sleep there until someone found me in the morning, my sleep walking status would be obtained. Have you ever tried to sleep on the stairs? Not the height of comfort, let me tell you. I never lasted a night and failed to become a sleep walker in the eyes of my family.

When at first you don't succeed, try, try again....and I did. I decided it would be more funny if I made it look like I had run into a wall in my sleep. I got up again in the middle of the night and placed myself in front of the wall next to the hallway. Unfortunately, I chose an especially cold night to do this and was soon shivering on the floor. It was impossible to sleep, so I laid there for the next 2 hours wishing the sun would rise faster. When my sister finally woke up, she found me laying on the floor and was really not that impressed. It was then that I realized all of the trouble I was going through should end there because it was not being fully appreciated.

There are many more stories where that came from, but that brings me to the end of this entry. I haven't really come to any incredible epiphanies with this...but at least I got those lies off my chest.

Sorry mom...

Better off Talking to a Brick Wall

CRAZY

After my latest dating experience, I was told by several people that I ought to start recording these crazy situations. Whoever put the sign on my back that says "If you're creepy and you know it ask me out" kindly remove it before I have to hurt somebody.

Every now and again I sit back and wonder if it's me that is doing something wrong-- but after looking back on the conversations with these "special" people, I can honestly say that it isn't. Well, it's at least 95% them.

Last Friday I had an especially bad date. I realized that we were not compatible when he said that he wasn't willing to "work for the man". This set off a lot of alarms in my head because in case you haven't heard, that is code for, "I am too lazy to work and would rather mooch off my parents so I am just going to sit back and relax and make up some crazy B.S. excuse about "the man" to justify how cheap I am." You hadn't heard that before? Oh, well consider yourself informed.

After paying for our date with a coupon (which would have been alright if he were an actual working and struggling student and not merely poor because he refused to work for "the man") he bought me two things off of the dollar menu at Wendy's. Again, this would be alright if I wasn't well aware of the reasoning behind it. Throughout the night he was trying to be touchy-feely with me...anyone that really knows me, knows that is a bad, bad idea. I wanted to cut the date off early so while we were at his house watching the Jazz game, I started to yawn and talk about how tired I was....at 9:45. He was trying to convince me to stay, but since I already had my shoes and coat on and was holding the door open, he decided to take me home.

On the way home he made it very clear that he had made a goal to kiss me that night. I immediately made a counter-goal to not let him close enough to do. (I do so love to foil evil plots.) When we reached my apartment, I realized that he was not slowing down. I pointed this fact out to him and he responded that he realized he was going to miss my turn and instead turned into the parking lot across the street. This might have been cute if we were dating and it was sunny outside and we were walking hand and hand skipping merrily to my door, but that wasn't quite the situation. It was almost pitch black outside, it was raining like crazy and freezing cold. Also, I would rather contract hypothermia than let him close enough to lend me some body heat.

When he finally stopped the car, I was out of it before he could put it in park. I walked quickly along and when he caught up to me, talked loudly about how often I see cops in the area. "I see cops here all the time! It's crazy! Cops, cops cops...." I was getting angry and a little freaked out because:

A- My hair was getting wet. (Although I am not a girly-girl in the most common sense of the word, I still take time to do my hair in the morning and do not appreciate my work being undone.)

B- I don't handle the cold well. (or the heat, but that's a story for another time.)

C- He kept trying to grab my hand. (I washed my hands repeatedly after the date.)

D- There was no one in sight. (No one to hear me scream if that should be the case.)

When I finally got across the street he grabbed both my arms and told me to "come here." I complained that I was cold and wet and acted all whiny and unattractive but it didn't seem to work. He started to pull me across the street, not towards the car, but towards the creepy neighborhood. At this point I got pissed. I told him to stop and he kept pulling. So I yanked with all my might and got him back across the street and then stomped to my apartment. I yelled to my roommates, "Hey Rachel! What are you watching!?" so he would know I wasn't home alone and that ended the evening...but not the story.

We had previously planned a date for the following night, and I proceeded to cancel it the next day. I then deleted him as my friend on Facebook (the ultimate insult) and refused to respond to his phone calls and texts. He started calling me at 12:30 in the morning and later and was leaving voicemails like crazy. I deleted the voicemails without listening to them and refused to answer the texts. He emailed me on Facebook saying, "I wasn't feeling it either, but we can still be friends. You didn't need to delete me." Wrong. (Though I do appreciate his heroic attempt to salvage his inflated ego.)

After an especially angry voicemail, I decided to text him and end the craziness once and for all. I told him he had been disrespectful and I didn't feel comfortable with him. I also told him not to respond...he really should have taken my advice...

[The following is the word-for-word text conversation that followed my telling him not to reply.]

Crazy: May I at least ask how I was disrespectful?

Me: A little advice for the future. Never try and pull a girl anywhere against her will. We don't take kindly to it. Since I apparently did not make myself clear before, I will say it bluntly. I do not wish to speak to you. Let it go.

Crazy: Is that what they teach u in ur religion? Don't forgive people and never talk to them again? I wasn't trying to pull u against ur will at all. I am unbelievably sorry u felt that way. I will never talk to u again k but some advice....Jesus Christ taught forgiveness and u could really work on it. sorry

Me: Don't you dare preach to me. You are unbelievable. Here is some advice, stay the hell away from me and erase my number.

Crazy: Wow... i did not deserve that. U are a very mean person and u have absolutely hurt me in every way.

Me: Don't be a drama queen. And quit texting me. We are done.

The fun thing about this conversation is that he made himself look like an idiot without any help from me. I'm sure you have already noticed the many, many things that are wrong with this interaction, but just for the heck of it, I am going to point them out anyway.

A- He uses "text talk" like an elementary school child. For future reference, when you are telling someone how mean they are, avoid using "U" instead of "you", it just loses its kick.

B- Don’t try the sneaky backhanded "apologies" that aren't really apologies. "I'm sorry u felt that way" obviously translates to "I did nothing wrong and I will never admit nor apologize to any fault.

C- Keep your promises my friend. "I will never talk to you again k." Really? You won't? That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day! Oh shoot....there he is again.....

D- Don’t tell me I have "absolutely hurt you in every possible way." Although I understand that you were trying to get a last stab in, you actually just made my day. I wonder if he was crying too....a girl can dream right?

"I cannot forget the follies and vices of others so soon as i ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever” -Mr. Darcy

If I Ever Get a Pet Elephant I Will Name Him Frank Jr. so Everyone Will Think I've had One Before.

Lies.

My name is Brooke, and I am a pathological liar.

Why do we lie? Social acceptance? Personal gain? Some other psychotic need?

Think back, I know it's not just me. How many times did you lie this week? I am not talking about huge, intricate lies, just the small, social lies that we throw around like they're nothing.

I do believe that there is a time and place for certain lies. If your significant other asks you if they look fat, you darn well better tell them no, even if their clothes are screaming and stretching in pain. I think I have taken this too far though. When are you hindering a person by telling them they look good? Is it fair to that person, or the rest of society, if I let them embarrass themselves in public by wearing that horrendous outfit I just told them "looks great"? Just something to think about.

My biggest social lies occur when I first meet someone, and especially if I have an interest in them. A conversation will often occur in the following way:

Person of Interest: I love baseball.

Me: Me too!

What the... No, I don't. In fact, I hate baseball. It is painful for me to watch and the only reason I stayed at the only game I have ever attended was because I convinced my little brother to dance on top of the dugout. (A story for another time that ended with a crying 10 year old and a sharp gasp from the entire stadium.)

These lies go in the other direction as well. If there is someone I don't like, I will almost always disagree with whatever they say regardless of my true feelings. A conversation with such a person might go like this:

Disliked Person: I love the color red.

Me: I don't. Red is probably my least favorite color.

Disliked Person: You have a red shirt on right now.

Me: I hate this shirt. I don't even know why I wore it.

In reality, this is my favorite shirt and my room is decorated in red and black.

I don't sit back and think about these lies....that's another lie, sometimes I do. For the most part though, they are an automatic reaction to what people say. If I like them, I want them to accept me, so I agree with whatever they say. If I dislike them, I want to make sure I have nothing in common with them, so I reject everything they say.

These lies are so automatic that they can become hard to keep track of. If that same person came and asked me about baseball later, I would probably have no idea what they were talking about.

Let's quit lying to ourselves and recognize the honest truth:

None of us have a good enough memory to be a great liar. (Although I am a good one.)

How Ashamed I Should be of Being 20 and Unmarried in Happy Valley

Dating.

"So Brooke, are you dating anyone?" "Been on any dates lately?" "Do you have a special someone?"

As much as I love dodging and evading questions like this, I have finally hit the point where it's getting old. The straw has finally broken this camel's back. If you want to hear stories of dating and woe, go turn on your television and watch an afternoon soap. (I recommend Passions)

Having said that, I will give you a quick synopsis of my dating life, and in the future, shall refer curious well-wishers to this page.

Brooke's Dating Life:

High school - Non-existent.

Lesson learned:

• High school boys are immature and not worth your time.

Freshman year of college - Cabe (to be read with as much disgust as you can possibly muster) Cabe is one of those people you remember for the rest of your life because every time you see someone doing something especially idiotic, you are reminded of the time you spent with him.

Adam (aka Mad Man). The nickname should really say it all, but I have to admit, on my first run through, I forgot to write him down. Interesting. I was flattered by the attention, but he was/is the most boring person I have ever come across in my life. All about money and flipping houses. I don't think he would have approved of my over-the-top love for The Office and Jason Mraz. Fool.

Lessons Learned:

• Never accept gum from a boy....it apparently had dual meaning.
• Dull people make you dull....avoid them at all costs.
• 
  

Sophomore year of college - Stephen. I was flattered by the attention and then quickly realized I didn't like him....at all.

James. My first experience with a "player." Not fun, but definitely informative.

Matt. Not much to say here. Yet again, I was flattered by the attention (I tend to do that) and then quickly realized that he was an egocentric chauvinist...and for trying to stay near me after I had clearly shown my disgust, apparently a masochist as well.

Bart. Meh. Nothing to say here really. We liked each other for about a week, and then mutually decided to not like each other anymore. End of story. (If you know my dad, feel free to ask him about Bart's nickname.)

Lessons Learned:

• Liking boys just because they like you never turns out well.
  
• Players, while entertaining, are not worth your time.
• Don't date people that you would never even consider introducing to your parents.

Junior year of college - Man-Whore. I won't use a name here, but he is exactly what I called him. Nothing ever actually happened between us, but I took great pleasure in agreeing to go on a date with him, and then canceling at the last minute. Was it rude? Probably. Was it deserved? Absolutely.

Nephi. I should have taken a clue from his name... I never dated him, nor had any intention to, but his story is so odd that it is worth a mention. I met him at institute and after discovering that we both played tennis, we exchanged numbers. After discussing our interests, he added me as a friend on Facebook. I accepted his friendship and immediately realized that he had changed all of his interests to mirror my own. Disturbing? It gets worse. He then began to pry me for information about where I lived, worked, went to church (and at what time) and other information I would rather he not have. I immediately dropped him as a friend on Facebook and thanked my good sense that I had never given him personal information.

Lesson Learned:

• While man-whores should be avoided at all costs, if given the opportunity to deflate their ego, take it.
• Don't be friends with guys that are named after people in the Book of Mormon. I suppose that isn't fair.... Allow me to rephrase that. Don't be friends with guys that are named after people in the Book of Mormon, take pride in that fact, and change their entire life to mirror yours after your first meeting.

There are a few more things and people that should be added to this, but I daresay I have not seen their end yet, thus I cannot write their story.

Yes, I live in Happy Valley. Yes, I have lived here for three years and am still not dating anyone. Yes, I realize that makes me a freak of nature, or at least slightly abnormal.

Now I dare you....

ask me again.

The Devolution of Woman

Regression

We work hard for women's rights. We fight against the glass ceiling daily. We do everything we can to prove we are as capable as a man... and then...

Cute boy = IQ drop

How many times have you seen a girl you previously thought was intelligent, or at least had some sense, drop into a disturbing, purposefully stupid persona in front of a boy? I shouldn't even give them as much credit as saying in front of a cute boy; it's really in front of any boy.

Everyone has a want or need to be liked, but not everyone turns into a fool at the mere sight of the opposite sex. It is an interesting experience to get in a group of mixed company, and then sit back and watch as certain members of the group apparently devolve to the point that they are nearly animalistic. They become ruled by their basic (primal) needs and instincts.

Although it happens to a certain degree with both males and females, I have to point the main finger of blame at the girls. Their excessive giggling could be compared to a mating call, "I'm easy! I'm easy!" What happened to pride?

They travel and hunt in packs, and when they finally get a kill, they fight over who it belongs to. They pretend to like each other and form superficial relationships, only to be quickly discarded when the hunt reaches its climax.

Do not live in fear of this species of women, there are ways to recognize them. For fear of being controversial, I will not put down too many details, but here are a few keys in seeking them out using all of your senses:

• Listen for the excessive giggling.

• Look for packs of similar looking females.

• Sniff around for a near potent amount of perfume.

• Touch.... no... don't get that close, they are far too dangerous.

• Taste.... if you are close enough for this one, then all is lost.
• 
  

What is wrong with showing signs of intelligent life? If a guy doesn't want to hear what you have to say, I suggest you move on. Have some pride.

Survival of the fittest? Please. Darwinism is a hoax.

180 Degree Turn....Well, Maybe 120....I Wasn't That Bad Off....

Perspective.

I cannot write unless I am passionate. I am not passionate unless I am mad. Thus, my blog has only been updated with posts when I have become especially upset about a situation. I have sat down in fury many times in the last 2 weeks and considered titles for my next blog, including:

• Hey, While I'm Down Here, Would You Mind Coming Over and Kicking me?

• Beware the Ides of March.

• Tell me to to Turn That Smile Upside Down Again... I Dare You.

There were many others not worthy of mention. As I sat here contemplating and growing more and more angry with each word I wrote, I realized that I was only feeding my fury.

A wise friend once told me that whatever I feed into the universe, the universe will give back to me. If I am angry, it will give me more and more reasons and opportunities to be angry. Whatever energy I throw out there, I get back, and I have come to realize how true that is.

I have lived by the saying, "Everything comes in threes", to a degree that probably isn't healthy. When something bad happens, I am just waiting for the next two things to smack me in the face. I become so stressed about the next two things happening, that I almost want to go smack myself with a hammer and then stick a fork in a socket and say "2....3....I'm good!"

What would happen if I turned that energy the other way and changed my perspective? So what if one bad thing happened? I am going to get experience and opportunities from every situation in life and I can make them into whatever I want them to be. If I choose to be happy, the world will compensate and give me opportunities to do so.

No longer will I stalk down the hall burning holes with my eyes (which I apparently do, though I wasn't really aware of it.) No longer will I sit and wait for bad things 1 and 2 to hit. No longer will I allow other people to control my emotions.

Watch out world. It's a whole new Brooke, and she's....happy?