If You Were Me, I Would Love You

Blurgh.

As some of you may know, I recently moved into a new place in Orem. This Sunday I was trying to figure out which ward I should be attending and I decided to do a Google search. I searched “Which YSA ward should I attend?” (I always like to ask Google formal questions so that when it becomes self-aware it will know how much I respect it and spare me.) My first search result led me to an “LDS” man’s blog about YSA (Young Single Adult) ward hopping. I was intrigued and ended up staying up late reading his essay and considering what he had posted. After confirming in my mind that the man was an idiot of the grossest kind, I decided to write a response.

For those that are interested, the website mentioned is: singleswardhopper.com (please check gag reflex and consider stomach contents before entering site) I recommend reading his entry before my response. Otherwise, I just sound like a lunatic.

Here is my response:


Dear Ward Hopper,

I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to read your observations about Mormon Singles Wards. You said a lot of the things that people think, but have far too much tact and common decency to actually say. After reading through your essay several times, I still cannot begin to imagine why you remain single. A man such as yourself with a great job, multiple cars, a share in a plane and a narcissistic/chauvinistic personality is such a rare find. What a delight you must be.

I also attend a singles ward and must admit to hating it. However, if you would be so kind as to give me the location and meeting time of the ward that did a reenactment of “Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera, I think my opinion of singles wards would be greatly improved.

Regarding the section, “What’s Wrong with Girls in Singles Wards?” I think your observations should most absolutely be printed in the Young Women’s Manual. Forget about the fact that 75 percent of women already suffer from disordered eating. We need to make it clear that the only way those girls can be valuable is if they fit the mold. You know what? We also need to forget about the fact that 46.8% of the American workforce is comprised of women. So what if the economy collapses because all of the women have quit their jobs in order to lose weight? Economic stability is a small price to pay for a smaller dress size.

I am so sorry about the topics of discussion on your dates. How dare these women be so presumptuous as to bother you with their “thoughts” and “feelings”? I also can’t believe these women are buying into ridiculous things like horoscopes and astrology. In fact, if it were up to me, fortune cookies would be banned. They are full of evil lies and mysticism.

You mentioned that men are okay being overweight as well as “generally losers” as long as they are trying to change. I completely agree. I can also see that you are trying to change since you are admittedly sitting around drinking Coke and watching FOX News. You know, it’s my opinion that nothing is better for building character and bettering yourself than watching Glenn Beck.

I’m sorry to say that LDS members only make up 14 million of the approximately 6.5 billion people worldwide. Among them, about half are men and 63.1% are considered obese. I would do the math to figure out the percentage of available women left for you, but I’m just a girl and I just breathed in a large gust of air and should probably get on a treadmill to burn it off.

Thank you so much for ward hopping. We need to make sure that you don’t spend too much time in one place. Your gifts and piercing eyes ought to be shared with everyone.

Best wishes,

Brooke


I hope he speaks sarcasm…

Well, I haven’t actually sent this to him yet, but I am considering it. My only worry is that this man may be incredibly emotionally unstable (Okay, no one can read that and honestly think he doesn’t have a few loose screws.) So, I’m going to ask for something that I never have before...Sound off!

Let me know what you think. After reading his essay, do you think I should send the above response? Am I being too harsh? Are you considering writing him now too? Let me know!

“Withhold admiration from a narcissist and be disliked. Give it and be treated with indifference.”